Pattern 1: Perfectionism, by Linda Lewis

I’m not all the way through on this one, and I wonder if I ever will be. Perfectionism still shows up in my life in myriad ways. So there’s a part of me (the perfectionist) that says I don’t have anything to talk about on this, because this pattern, this parasite (what it really is), is still alive and well within. It, ironically, does not think I have this pattern perfectly dissipated enough to teach about it. 

As I sat down to write about this, I realized I do have a lot to say and a lot of ways to work with it, so here we go.

First, let’s talk about what perfectionism is and what it isn’t. This may sound dramatic, but I believe it is a parasite that is so insidious we often cannot even see it.  We’re immersed in it from early childhood. The praise of type A personalities, the idea of being gifted, winning and high-achievement at whatever cost, performance over authenticity and air-brushed beauty standards all feed the parasite. 

The most obvious way it shows up is in achievement, and we are taught at very young ages that perfection can be achieved through perfect grades and perfect attendance and perfect sport seasons. High-achievement or competitive kids get labeled perfectionists as if it’s a good thing, as if life will continue to go for them in this way if they continue to put in the work they currently do. They’re ultimately set up to fail.

Those perfect grades are, at least in part, subjective.  There are no perfect grades outside of school and even if there are perfect performance reviews, what works at one company or role does not work in the next. The perfect games at one early level do not measure up in the next level of competition. Perfect attendance cannot be possible without sacrificing health.

What perfection isn’t is REAL. Perfection does not exist. If you look at nature, there is nothing that humans would consider perfect.  No 90 degree angles, no clean surfaces, no predictability. It’s a human-made idea that robs people of creativity and joy. I believe it’s a glitch that was born out of our disconnection to nature and our inherent imperfections.

I believe that when we separated from nature is when this parasite must have been hatched. Because if you look at the simplest plant, for example, you’ll see it prioritizes LIFE over everything. It, like your body, does not care how it looks. It will grow around whatever it needs to get to sunshine. An animal in nature will kill and protect however it needs to survive. 

Nature is also ‘wasteful’ (another way perfectionism shows up in modern humans). Bees create much more honey than they’d ever need. Trees drop more seeds than can ever become new trees. There is no perfect amount of production, there is no concern about over population. There are checks and balances inherent in ecosystems. 

Seeing all of the false perfection in the media is highly influential and spreads the parasite. It will take and take until you’re so frozen you cannot get off the floor. It then becomes so much easier to go with the flow of consumption than to find your own flow of creation.

I first discovered my own perfectionism when I was in college.  I hadn’t been a perfect student or an over-achiever in much so far, or so I thought. I was constantly comparing myself to a genius older sister and I intentionally found areas of interest that were different and didn’t push myself all that hard. I wanted to have a social life and money more than certificates of achievement. I made good enough grades and they were easy enough to get, I worked hard and made good money for a kid. I thought life would pretty much go like that. 

I also really wanted to express myself creatively but had no understanding of how to do this other than follow a traditional art path. I found myself at a highly esteemed art and design university without many executive skills to do well. My procrastination was at an all time high, resulting in many all-nighters at the end of each quarter and tons of anxiety. I finally sought a school counselor and he told me that perfectionism can manifest as procrastination.  

This realization that I was a perfectionist, and the work with this counselor, was my first entry point into self-inquiry. The idea that I could have such a complex mechanism at work in the background was new to me and while I still didn’t know what to do with it and battled procrastination through my entire time at school, it always nagged at me as something that I could ultimately work with and heal from. 

Over time, I’ve worked with perfectionism and it has worked on me. My spiritual journey into a committed relationship, out of corporate life and then into motherhood naturally took away my ideas of ever becoming the ‘perfect’ vision I had for myself (more on that below). As I rewired myself for intimacy, parenthood and entrepreneurship, I found that all of the masks and complex smokescreens had to be dismantled and there was nothing left but imperfect, human, full-of-blood-sweat-and-tears ME. It’s a humbling experience, to say the least.

Perfectionism is born out of fear and is about control. It’s wanting to create order in the chaos of life. 

There is still a part of me who wants a villain’s lair in a high-rise in a big city. A closet full of power suits and evening wear and heels, a kitchen that rarely sees a dirty dish. The only sign of nature maybe an orchid that gets replaced when it wilts. It would be devoid of noise, smells, and mess.  I’d adhere to a strict routine that would keep me thin, wealthy and sought after.

In this fantasy, I would have protected myself from all vulnerability. Connections would be transactional and superficial, save for a few chosen girlfriends who I know I can trust, and if they falter from the idea I’d constructed of a friend, they’d swiftly be cast aside.

There would be no intimacy, because intimacy creates vulnerability and vulnerability is inherently imperfect.

And this life would be perfectly acceptable to today’s culture- one that prioritizes appearances over authenticity; structure over humanity.

I want to talk about other ways it can show up for people because we all have different brands of perfectionism. 

Almost anything we obsess about is linked to perfectionism: 

health - hypochondria or doing all the things for your health without a relationship to your body

environmentalism - depriving yourself of needs because of perceived harm to the planet

beauty

parenting - overcompensating for how you were parented)

neatness

achievement 

finances- obsessing over budgeting

relationships- doing all the ‘right things’ without any intimacy

career

Now, perfectionism shows up in different and smaller ways in my life. It shows up when I don’t want to appear stupid at things like learning a new language. It shows up sometimes in motherhood- trying to create impossible standards for myself. It shows up in not wanting to show my messy processes online, only the finished product. 

I can watch these things happen in real time now and see them for what they are- control masquerading as perfectionism. 

I still deeply wish that there was such a thing as a perfectly clean house, a perfectly nutritious meal or a perfect place to live. I will always want to be the perfect mother for my child. I may always have this idealism and in some ways, it drives my ambitions. So is it always a negative? Not if it’s in check, and not if there is room for flexibility and our humanity.

How does perfectionism show up in your life? Tell us in the comments.

Perfectionism is the topic of this month’s two podcasts- one where we teach about it and one where we coach a guest creative on it. 

If you’d like to go deeper into Perfectionism and other patterns that block creativity, sign up for the waitlist for Creative Energy: The Teachings course at our website.